Long Version of German Anthem Stalls Vettel's Guzzling of Red Bull

Sebastian Vettel, winner of the Malaysian GP nearly passed out during the playing of the little known third verse of the German national anthem. "Ja, I was like, when is this going to end and I can get a drink of Red Bull?...and I didn't know there was a long version - it kind of went on and on like Freebird"
Others were stunned at the length of the compulsory playing. "I mean c'mon already!" one mechanic from the Mercedes garage was overheard complaining. "I appreciate the over-emphasis to please that the Malaysian people have, but this is too much in all this heat. Can't we find a way to shorten it?"  Bernie Ecclestone was not impressed with the complaints however: "We must honor the motherland Germany for putting so many Germans on the grid." Everyone standing within 100 yards of Bernie were seen enthusiastically nodding their heads in agreement after his sage-like proclamation. Michael Schumacher was asked about the incident and said he didn't remember because he was in the garage doing a bong-hit immediately after the race. FOTA is scheduled to vote on shortening the German anthem for all time next week.

Rosberg Shoulder-Checks Schumacher After Besting Him in Q3

Nico Rosberg was seen throwing his shoulder or "shoulder-checking" Michael Schumacher in the Mercedes garage following Nico's dominant Q3 performance in Sepang. "Schumi is my bitch" and  "...how ya' like me now punk?" Rosberg was overhead saying  loudly throughout the entire garage. Schumi was not available for comment after the incident but his chief mechanic described Schumacher as "curled up in a corner (of the garage), holding his favorite teddy-bear and muttering to himself."  This incident is just one more nail in Micheal's coffin at Mercedes as Nico Rosberg has made it his personal mission to "Crush him at any cost...mainly because I can't stand everyone fawning over him. And hey, I've got much better hair than he does." "Before I was paired with MS, everyone fawned over my youth and hair, now since I'm on 'Team Deutschland" no one seems to notice all the attention I put on my blond locks." Rosberg has been beating Michael in qualifying in all races thus far this season. He has also twice as many championship points as Michael. "I'm simply better looking than Michael and my blond hair curls out from under my helmet to make me like super-cute I think..." "Getting more attention on me will surely make my life better and I'm not going to let some retiree' with lame short hair take that away, even if he is a 7-time world champion." Rosberg was quoted.  The whole rivalry has been reported to have started when Schumi and Rosberg showed up for a press event wearing the exact same outfit and similar grey scarves. Rosberg was said to have been "incensed" at "Michael trying to act all young and hot like me." He (Scumacher) was wearing the exact same outfit as me but totally messed it up with a lighter colored scarf. He clearly has no sense of fashion and therefore deserves to be crushed on track."